1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened
look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!"
and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes
& then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks
at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain
to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After
he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat
the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to
look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect
each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs"
theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over
again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly
look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath
the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they
know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes
at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the
computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it.
If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly
start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then
stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start
staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around
your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer
$2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your
fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there
is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,"
and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at
the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also
a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put
your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair,
spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there
is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man)
on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act
like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge
into the 31/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you
turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare,
then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was
one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting
your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the
feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth,
stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making
sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this
releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing
break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's
keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait
of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it
inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers
of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove
socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden
haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the
computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor
and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You
will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look
like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key
(ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever
you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by
reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?"
, unplugging the keyboard & taking
it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have
fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out
an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful
computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same
key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing
(You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at
your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing
an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key
work?"
Shake your head, and resume hitting the
space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about
a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well,
whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder
it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and
hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your
disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk
drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's
screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did
that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling
as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made
up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two.
Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!"
peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say.
"Oh, good. It worked this time,"
and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and
trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger
a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives.
Hang-up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a
tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look
really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on
the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing
several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly.
Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!",
and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy
mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the
computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon
is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab
with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up
to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll
be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.