Basic Rules for Cats Who Have
a House to Run
The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy
cat(s) who will have
a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course,
impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always
some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide
endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is
that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly
find a way to use it to their advantage.
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper,
a cat must eat.
Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the
Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving
and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are
guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave
the tip of your tail in
their dishes when they are not looking.
b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal
some from the table.
c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's
glass is full enough to
d) The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness
are when they are
unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet.
you insist on waking a human at what it considers a "ridiculously
hour" for breakfast, be warned that the human may be as likely
to throw you
outside or in the basement as to feed you.
e) Should you catch something of your own outside,
it is only polite to attempt
to get to know it. Be insistent--your food will usually not be so
and try to leave. If you can't be bothered to eat the food you've
caught, be considerate and don't waste it; it makes a perfect gift
humans! Carefully pick it up and carry it to the human's house and,
door is closed, leave it on the doorstep. If the door is open, or
a cat-flap, take it inside and leave it somewhere highly visible.
will be even more welcome if it is still alive! Live birds and mice
the best gifts as humans love a good game of chase just as much as
although be careful not to help them; it's their gift after all.
f) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans
unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg
outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several
techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist.
include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest"
and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room
the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as
and eat while miaowing plaintively.
g) Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for both cats
and humans. Whenever a
human sets a cup of coffee on the floor within your reach, s/he is
you great respect and worship. Softly blow the divine liquid until
(you may even put your paw in it to make sure the temperature is just
and then daintily drink it.
h) Occasionally there will be disagreements over what
you and the humans will
deem as edible. The appropriate action, should the stuff in question
repulsive to ignore, is to bury it. Scratch at the floor and try to
over objects to cover the offending item. This informs the ignorant
that it really belongs in the litter box.
Most cats think that this strange-looking plant is
Food of the Gods and
better even than tuna. There are some, however, who are sadly deprived
ability to enjoy this wonderful treat and will look upon the others
mixture of confusion and disgust at the utter lack of Dignity of those
partaking. If you are one of the latter, please skip to the next section.
Catnip is available in two forms--in the wild as an
odd-looking plant that
grows in delightfully fragrant, though often rather flattened, patches,
from the humans in a concentrated dried form. Unfortunately, the humans
of our weakness for catnip and will try to hold it out from us, often
some very ingenious methods to do so. If the humans are careless enough
leave any catnip within reach, it is imperative to get it no matter
have to tear apart to do so. Otherwise the humans will use it to attempt
coerce us to do things which would otherwise be beneath us.
The greatest hazard of catnip is that it causes those
cats under its
influence to utterly lose their Dignity. They roll around foolishly,
maximum volume, tear around the house at top speed, and do other things
cat would be caught doing. Do attempt to control yourself, especially
humans have a "video camera" and are prone to using it.
Water (also known as Cat Solvent) would be really
great if it wasn't so
*WET*! Dripping taps are the best sources of fresh water in the whole
Toilets are the next best (but the water inside must be COLOURLESS
NOTHING!) Therefore it is imperative that any sound of running water
immediately investigated in case a free drink may be obtained. The
the best place to lurk in the bathroom when a human is present. A
miaow or two and perhaps hopefully licking the faucet usually will
humans to turn on the tap for you. If the bathroom door is closed,
entry noisily (see DOORS). The water dish is to be used only as a
in case the humans leave the toilet lid down and the tub and sink
If a human has a sufficiently wide-mouthed glassful
of liquid, immediately
stick your face into the glass. If the opening is too narrow, dip
into the liquid, swirl it around, and give it the taste test. You
pleasantly surprised to find beer or even milk! In any case, if the
good, continue to sample, but only while your human is distracted.
Some of the
best water is ornamented with those cold, hard buoyant cubes that
bob up and
down in the liquid when pressed lightly. If your human protests, lick
condensation on the outside of the glass.
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy
for playing, a cat must
get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable
to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if
with your fur colour. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct
so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but
disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous
conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
A) Snoring is not a talent unique to humans - if the
cat is sharing a bed with
two humans, the well skilled cat can cause one of the humans to be
blamed/swatted/smacked for the deed by the other.
B) If your humans don't let you into the bedroom at
night, make them suffer for
it. Even if they give you a nice warm room of your own to sleep in
night, with a catflap to the outside world, that just isn't good enough.
There are several ways of registering your disapproval.
a) Trash the room they give you to sleep in. After
all, the humans don't
sleep in it - so why should you?
b) Fight noisily with other cats in the neighbourhood,
just outside their
bedroom window. Make sure that you appear in the morning with as many
fresh scars as possible. Spend some time perfecting an aggrieved "Well,
I wouldn't have all these injuries if you only let me sleep in the
bedroom at night" expression.
c) When they finally rise and take a shower or a bath,
appropriate drainpipe and yowl up it. That amplified and disembodied
"Miaow" is sure to surprise them - as is the length of time
you can do
this without getting hoarse.
d) When they finally come downstairs, and call for
you, refuse to use the
catflap to enter the house. There's a perfectly good front door they
open. Of course, if they should anticipate you by opening the front
and calling, ignore them. You should only appear by the front door
yowl once they've closed it again.
This is an important part of your life. Get enough
sleep in the daytime
so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several
cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's
at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as
a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I
MEANT to do
that!" It fools those humans every time.
a) "Catch Mouse". The humans would have you
believe that those lumps under the
covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually
Mice, rumoured to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world,
no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumour also has it that only
most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under
covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
b) "King of the Hill": This game must be
played with at least one other cat.
The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill
must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes.
game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take
unstable playing theatre into account.
WARNING: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will
result in expulsion from
the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless,
immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you
time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human
this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
c) "Tag" (Also known by humans as "Charge
of the Light Brigade"): Obviously
this game also requires two or more cats, and may include a dog as
One cat is "it". The other(s) chase him around the apartment
catch up to him. Then follows the "Scrum", after which the
cat who caught
the other becomes "it" and is chased around. Great fun,
but has the
greatest potential for loss of Dignity from manoeuvres such as the
Wipeout and the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid. Whenever such a situation
all feline participants must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are
generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this
dog automatically becomes "it" and should be subjected to
d) "Tube Mouse": This is a game played in
the bathroom. Next to the Big White
Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached
the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse.
grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to
from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning.
But that's OK because you now have a great new toy to pounce on, play
and shred! Part two of the game is to make the angry human believe
other cat did it. This is related to another fun game, "Snowstorm",
which you try to make it look like a blizzard has occurred in the
can track shreds all over the house for greater enjoyment. Be warned
this variant often results in the coming of the Vacuum Monster.
e) "Fetch": Only dogs will run after a ball
or stick that humans throw, take
it back to them, and continue doing this until they drop. As established
earlier, dogs are not bright. A dignified cat MAY fetch a ball for
human, but if the human persists in continually throwing the ball
assume that the human truly does not want it, and leave it.
f) "Kibble Soccer": Any number of cats can
play. The game begins when the
referees go to bed. The player runs to the bowl where the dry cat
kept, and executes a "place-kick." The player does this
by attempting to
kick one kibble from the bowl with a paw. Using the nose and tongue
("heading") is allowed, but this is considered bad form.
Often the bowl
must be tipped, rocked or rattled. Once the kibble is out of the bowl
in play, the player proceeds to bat it around the room as quickly
possible. This is accomplished with short alternating swipes with
paws, running behind it as it moves (this is also known as the "kibble
dribble"). If the kibble gets stuck at the intersection of two
player must attempt to put it back into play with a "corner kick."
If the kibble is still on the playing field after 30
seconds, the player is
awarded a point. She is then allowed to eat the kibble, after which
returns to the bowl to put the next one into play. No points are awarded
for kibbles that are kicked out of the playing area (under the stove,
the refrigerator, etc.). These are left for the cockroaches, and other
spectators. The player must put a new kibble into play.
For equipment, any dry kibble will work, although Science
Diet round kibbles
roll particularly well. The referees control the pace of the game
up (usually after the first few points have been scored) and imposing
obstacles between the player and the kibbles. The referees do this
placing covers on top of the bowl, placing the bowl on a counter top
shelf, or otherwise hiding it. An advanced player is measured by the
of ingenuity displayed in overcoming the obstacles between herself
kibbles and resuming the game.
The game ends when all the kibbles are eaten or out
of the playing field, or
when a referee puts the player in the penalty box.
g) "Rumpus Raising"
Step 1: Warm up by tearing through the hallways and
over furniture at high
speeds. Be sure to drag your claws and make zzzzzrt noises on the
Furniture that is off limits during the daytime makes great springboards.
(Even more fun with two or more participants.) Important style points
gained during this step. 2 extra points if you get a yell from a judge.
Step 2: Find objects that make noise and activate them.
Door stoppers that go
SPROOOOOOOONGONGONGONG when you run by them, wind chimes and blinds
rattle when disturbed, and loose objects that go thud when they hit
carpet are best. Technical points are awarded in this step. The more
complex the device the better. 5 points for knocking over the phone
goes BEEP BEEP BEEP *Please hang up* BEEP BEEP...
Step 3: Make the loudest possible noise. Glassware
and remote controls are
useful here. It might be beneficial to slightly open the judges' door
before this step. Final creativity points are awarded now.
Step 4: Look innocently at the dog and fish when the
judges storm into room and
turn on the lights. Pretending to be asleep is good form. 5 bonus
if another pet gets blamed, and 7 points for style if the judges stub,
or completely fall over the objects knocked over!
h) "Skiing" This game is played when your
human has the newspaper lying on the
floor for reading. Run down a hallway toward the newspapers at full
leap onto the paper and see how far you can slide. The slippery
advertisements are best for this. This game is even more fun if your
is unaware that you are going to play. It can be followed by a good
of "Catch Mouse" (newspaper variant). It can also be played
on throw rugs.
i) "Magic Curtain": It can take some time
to teach the humans this game, but
it is worth the effort. You need a curtain which reaches down to the
(vertical venetian blinds will do). Hide behind the curtain and command
human to throw a small toy (really a mouse, of course) at it. The
is to restrain yourself as long as you can to fool the human into
you aren't going to pounce. When the human reaches for the toy, attack
toy and kill it. Half the fun is in attacking the "mouse",
the other half
is in watching the human jump back to avoid getting his hand shredded.
Variation 1: Sometimes the curtain or blind itself
magically transforms into a
Curtain Monster, which must be killed immediately! Grab it, kick it
your hind feet, wheel around on your back like mad and tear as much
can! The Curtain Monster and the Martians that live behind it are
opponents, but with persistence you will be victorious.
Variation 2: You are at the bottom of Mount Everest
(the curtain) and there is
a tempting morsel at the top which you must reach before it runs away.
Climb as fast as you can before the morsel disappears and/or a human
you and throws you outside.
j) "Tunnel": Convince your human to move
the couch out a little bit from the
wall, just enough so that you can move between the wall and the couch.
Demand that your human throw a toy (preferably a small ball) for you
chase. Instead of chasing it through the open room, run behind the
tunnel along, miraculously emerge from the other end and grab the
human will be deeply impressed by your sophisticated move, and will
throw the toy again and again.
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries
to confiscate it,
this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look
outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away anyway. Watch
where it is
put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser
and wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of cat toys.
a) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins
should be hidden so that
the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally
for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
b) Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces,
cords, gold chains and
dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favourites of humans
like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string
dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug
Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans
sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity. Note that playing
shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is another form of
c) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small
and camouflaged to be
the same colour as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can easily
the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything,
to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note:
other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game
Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.
d) Ignore anything that appears to be a store-bought
cat toy. After all, in
the old days, cats had to fashion their own toys. Store-bought toys
affront to a "real" cat.
6. SUPERVISING (a.k.a. HAMPERING)
It is well known that humans are incapable of performing
even the simplest
of tasks without feline supervision and/or assistance. This supervision
absurdly known by the humans as "hampering". If one of your
humans is engaged
in some close activity and any others are idle, stay with the busy
would take a large book to describe all of the activities which need
supervised, so only a condensed list is presented below.
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left
heel of the cook. You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped
then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between
eyes and book, unless
you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work
in the most appropriate
manner so as to obscure the maximum amount, or at least the most important
part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil
knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember,
the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make
hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working
on income taxes or
Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper!
sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from
of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for
second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of
him/her, be sure to jump
at the back of the paper. They love surprises.
f) As often as possible, dart quickly and as close
as possible in front of the
human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms;
dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their
g) Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot
h) When a human is attempting to "make the bed",
hop on it and curl up in the
middle, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If
human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around
try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you're evicted.
i) Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper (hence
the other name for the
laundry basket--the laundry hamper). Laundry fresh from the dryer
perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put on the
sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep
returning until the laundry isn't warm anymore. Now it's play time.
on anything the human tries to move around for folding, especially
nylons. For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed.
j) When a human is working at a computer, s/he isn't
paying attention to you.
Fortunately, this problem is easy to remedy. You can easily obstruct
human's view of the screen with your beautiful tail, or if it's low
with your even more beautiful body. Trampling on the keyboard is always
good for some attention as well. Pay special attention to the keys
"Esc", "Del", and "Brk". If you need
to nap while supervising your human,
good places are the keyboard, on top of the plastic thing with the
the humans laughably call a "mouse", or on the human's arms.
If the human
insists on removing you from these choice locations, there's always
lap. If possible, while in the lap try to drape yourself on one of
k) Guidelines for where to sit or lie down.
1) It is considered bad form to lie on the bare floor,
couch, or bed. An
exception is made for the human's favourite chair, which you are allowed
to sit on no matter what (or who) is there.
2) On a bed, there will often be laundry or clothes
lying there. It is your
duty to lie on them to get your beautiful fur on them. If there is
choice, choose either the cleanest item or the item which contrasts
strongly with your fur. If your human protests, act cute.
3) It is also your duty to lie in an area that makes
your human contort to
the greatest extent if s/he wishes to share the bed/couch with you.
4) Even resting on a book or a newspaper on the floor
is preferable to just
lying on the floor. Newspapers are particularly important to sleep
your human has them on the floor for his/her reading convenience.
5) Select a chair to sleep on that hampers your human
the most. For
example, if your human is doing a craft on the kitchen table to prevent
your interference, it is your duty to take a nap on the chair your
would like to be sitting in. No other chair at the kitchen table will
6) If kicked off any preferred seating, it is of critical
you not immediately go about your business. You must either sit still
for a time, washing yourself to save face, or lie on the floor to
your human feel guilty. If the human cheats by moving your resting
and/or sitting in a different one (in a situation such as the kitchen
table example above), you may be able to continue hampering by jumping
into the human's lap. If the human has to get up to get something
dumps you off, immediately occupy the chair and look smug. Of course,
the human will just switch chairs or remove you again. This game can
played for hours.
7. SCRATCHING POSTS
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the
humans may provide.
They are very protective of what they think is their property and
strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky
it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant.
If you are
an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human
definite no-no! Some humans come equipped with "jeans",
which can be scratched
without inflicting too much injury. Attempts to climb up them will
further attention, albeit perhaps not the kind you wish.
8. THE VACUUM CLEANER
This appalling Beast is known by many names, Cat Eater
being the most
prevalent. Normally pliable, agreeable humans will turn into raging
while under Its influence, running around the house sucking up all
carefully shed cat hair and terrorising the feline residents with
Nothing can stop It until the influence is over and the foul device
is put back
into Its closet. All you can do is run and hide when you hear the
to life and hope that It doesn't find you. On some occasions, however,
humans are forced to open up the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen,
from within. This is Its stomach, and must be destroyed if you can
chance. Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really
the Beast in pain.
To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and
hammer it with your
forepaws and/or yowl. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary
to use it.
After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway
in and out and
think about several things. This is particularly important during
weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Protest if the human uses
a foot to
"encourage" you to leave.
If a human goes into a room, especially the bathroom,
and closes the door
to exclude a cat, miaow pathetically and try to stick your paws under
to open it. If the human relents, lets you in and then closes the
immediately demand to be let out. If the human lets you out and closes
door, immediately demand to be let in again. This is especially fun
the bathroom and there are guests. This game can be played until the
wises up and hoses you with a squirt gun. Scuttle out of range and
yourself, to pretend that the assault on your Dignity didn't happen.
Sometimes doors can be opened by cats without the
aid of humans. Such
doors must be kept open for the cat(s) to investigate within at any
Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs; their nickname "Tail-Biter"
tells it all.
If a door that is usually kept closed, such as a closet
door, is opened,
you must immediately rush in to investigate to see if anything has
since the last time you were in there. Resist the human's attempts
you before you have completed your investigation. Protest loudly when
human removes you anyway.
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to
play with and give
attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain
one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who
is the master
of the house.
One way to keep your human healthy is through agility
training. You can
do this by running ahead of your human, maintaining a distance of
about one and
a half of the human's paces, and suddenly stopping to clean yourself.
human doesn't trip over or boot you (a very real hazard, especially
beginner humans), s/he is fit and able to avoid all sorts of danger
world. A bonus from this exercise is that the sight of the human will
amusing and you can share the experience with your friends on the
10.1 WAKING THEM UP
It is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets
dark, just when the
day is young and the masters of the house are fresh and ready for
play. It is
known, however, that sleeping humans are boring to be around and that
occasionally must be roused to attend to our needs, such as to get
or water or to retrieve a toy that was batted under the sofa. Almost
them strongly dislike being dragged out of bed in their so-called
Some will even pretend to be asleep even when we know they're not,
give up and go away. Persistence is the key to success in any case.
One effective method of rejuvenating a dormant human
is the "direct
approach", namely jumping on the bed and doing one or more of
trampling, licking and/or nibbling any exposed parts, purring, miaowing,
head-butting, light taps on the eyes, or playing "Catch Mouse"
or "King of the
Hill". This may only result in your being ejected from the bed,
but at least
you now have the human's attention.
If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort
to more drastic
tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, knocking over
looting a wastebasket, knocking items off the dresser, singing at
the top of
your voice, or even curling up on the human's head (often the only
part). As well as being warm, in this way you will be aware of any
made by the human, probably even before he is aware of it. You will
unlikely to wait for long. Another effective tactic is to jump, walk
on the human's abdomen, where the bladder is located. If the human
to the Big White Drinking Bowl during the night you can be sure of
response. Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually
employing some bad language while doing so.
WARNING: It is not advised to do this on a regular
basis. It will very likely
result in your being "banished" from and denied access to
altogether, in which case it becomes much more difficult to get them
to your wishes. Thumping the door or yowling may be initially effective,
will likely result in being further banished to the basement or even
carrier! Discretion is thus strongly recommended.
Of course, if the human gets up on his own in the
wee hours to go to the
bathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding while he is too
put up much resistance.
In order to provide and care for you, the humans must
leave the domain
every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help
their way, either yowl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws,
bounce on top of them in bed, knead their chests, purr, and/or drool
See also WAKING THEM UP. The best time to do this is about 24 minutes
their clock begins to blare or ring. We must protect them from the
because it could ruin their sense of hearing.
a) Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most.
Sit on that lap. If you
can arrange for particularly bad "tuna breath", so much
b) For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs,
select fabric which
contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to
wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
c) For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!",
be ready with aloof disdain,
apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
d) When walking among the dishes on the dinner table,
be prepared to look
surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans
that they tolerate this behaviour when company is not there.
e) Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything
-- just sit and stare.
Undoubtedly THE best way to get attention from a human
is to jump in
his/her lap and purr. Few humans can resist because it makes them
like them (which may even be true!). Ear scratches, belly rubs, back
all these and more can be yours. Some cats like this treatment a little
much and acquire the silly name "Lap Fungus". Lap sessions
also provide golden
opportunities for shedding--be sure to take advantage of clothes which
with your fur (see also GUESTS). Unfortunately, humans have the annoying
tendency to want to get up to do their mundane activities, like answering
thing that rings or going to the Big White Drinking Bowl. Protest
disturbance with accusing looks and plaintive miaows. Some laps may
"softening up" with a little kneading; just be sure not
to use the claws or you
may have an unexpected flying lesson!
10.5 CONFUSING THEM
Humans (for the most part) love order and predictability.
like their pets to be predictable. So if you are in the mood to indulge
little low-risk mischief, behaving irrationally is an excellent option.
usual method is to simply tear around the house at top speed talking
yourself and perhaps launching a frenzied attack on an unsuspecting
there are two or more cats in the household, you can take turns chasing
wrestling with each other. This is usually good for a shake of the
the human, along with "Crazy cat(s)" muttered under his/her
Another way to baffle the humans is to interrupt your
passage across a
carpet (at whatever velocity) with a sudden vertical leap into the
continue on as if nothing had happened. If you're skilled enough,
you may be
able to convince the human(s) that there are "rug worms"
in the house. A third
way, which isn't quite as fun as the others but which tends to get
reactions from the humans, is to stare fixedly at a blank wall, turned-off
corner of the room, or whatever, and pretend to carry on a conversation
another cat. The humans, who may already be convinced that you're
space, will think you're talking to your friends, the "Jupiter
they start talking about mailing you to Mars, it's a good idea to
lay off this
prank for a while.
Let's face it, humans are a disorganised lot. They
supervision in order to get things done right and on time, such as
their masters, retrieving lost toys, etc. Humans also need assistance
keeping their masters' home organised. They have to be continually
that things belong on the floor, not on shelves, bookcases, tables
where accessing them may be inconvenient for their masters. It will
be up to
you to keep your household properly organised. Feel free to take items
pens, buttons, waste paper (such as the stuff they call "tax
unsuitable toys and relocate them to better spots, such as the water
under the stove, or down the hot-air ducts (humans are always grateful
do this with tax returns). This should be done when the humans aren't
as they will always interfere. When the human discovers your handiwork,
will praise you with such sayings as "Damned cat!" and "You
little monster!" At
this point, you should say "You're welcome!" with purring
and rubbing against
11. VETS AND MEDICINE
The vet is the person to whom your human will take
you when you are sick.
The place smells funny, there are usually other cats and dogs in the
room, and awful things like needles and pill prescriptions will happen
The usual result is that you will get better, which is good, but you
let those humans cathandle you. The following are some tips for dealing
vets and medicine.
a) Unless you are really sick, when you see the carrier
come out, run and hide
somewhere inaccessible, such as under the bed or behind a couch. Once
human finally grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so that
difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to
in with another pet, try to allow the other pet to bolt out the door.
the car, miaow plaintively all the way down to the vet's. If possible,
through the bars of the portable prison and try to claw the human
drives. At the vet's, splay your legs and brace yourself against the
carrier's walls if you can so that they can't dump you out easily.
b) If you are well enough, you must resist attempts
to feed you pills or any
liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide
part a). Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Once
medicine is in, try to spit it out, preferably by shaking your head
vigorously. If the humans manage to get the pill into to your mouth
still holding you waiting for you to spit it out, swallow, but keep
in your mouth. Then after being let go, find a suitable hiding place
spit it out. Make sure that the humans do not find the hiding place,
they think that you took the pill. Don't use the same hiding place
Refuse any food that looks or smells like it may have had medicine
on it. Unfortunately, humans can be REALLY unfair and put it in tuna.
this case, accept grudgingly. Look aggrieved after the medicine session
a) If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in
time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is
as the human's bare foot.
b) When you get sick in the house, you should hover
around the general area
until a human spots the mess. You should act as if you are guarding
stuff for the human and then quickly vacate the room.
c) If taken outside, you should take every opportunity
to scarf down as much
grass as possible (while not being spotted). After ingesting a "critical
mass" amount, whine and scratch at the door to be let back in
After entering the house head for the traditional illness locations
d) If the urge strikes at night when your human is
asleep, you can retch as
loudly as possible so that the human will wake up. That failing, choose
location where the human's bare foot is likely to find it. They don't
very well in the morning and need assistance in locating the mess.
human has neglected you by leaving (see MORNINGS), cover the fruits
labours with whatever is handy, such as papers from the desk. That
can soil another object besides the carpet.
13. CAT "CLUBS"
When a group of humans who share a similar interest
get together on a
regular basis, it is often called a "club". Needless to
say, cats thought of
the idea first, and some of the cleverer humans have discovered that
our own. Listed below are the ones that the humans have identified,
their names for the clubs; for security reasons (in case this document
into the hands of a human) the ones they haven't identified have not
listed. As with humans, cats are not restricted to membership in one
may belong to many.
a) The "Lap Fungus" Club
Members of this club specialise in enslaving humans for the purpose
sleeping on their laps. As soon as a human is seated, his/her lap
available and should be occupied at once, after which time the cat
as much attention as s/he wants. See also LAPS. Club motto: "Sit
I'll be your friend."
b) The "Chatterbox" Club
Members of this club love to talk to their humans, giving advice and/or
criticism on practically anything they do. They are convinced that
enough time, they will be able to teach even the densest human how
verbal commands. Club motto: "What do you mean, shut up?"
c) The "Garbage Truck" Club
Members of this club firmly believe that human food is God's gift
and that the kitchen and/or dining room are the centre of the universe.
Anything that falls onto the floor is to be eaten immediately, and
cat can contrive to encourage the human to share voluntarily, so much
better. Hopping onto the counter to clean the plates or getting into
garbage can to check for leftovers are both considered acceptable,
Master Garbage Truck is the one who can do this without getting squirted
otherwise "punished" by the humans. Club motto: "I'll
help you clean that!"
d) The "Elephant Cat" Club
It is usual but not necessary for there to be more than one member
club per household. "Elephant" cats for some perverse reason
their nocturnal games, such as "Kibble Soccer", "Tag",
and "Rumpus Raising"
(see GAMES) as noisy as possible by thundering around home and knocking
things over or off the tables, counters, etc. They believe that half
fun is getting the human to participate too. Club motto: "Did
you see the
look on his face when..."
e) The "Bed Hog" Club
Cats who are members of this club like to sleep in their humans' bed.
course, in order to sleep comfortably a cat needs some room and it
necessary to push the sleeping humans around a bit to make it, especially
there are two humans and/or two or more cats. In households with more
one club member, skilled cats who co-operate can make the humans resemble
pretzels (which are great snacks, by the way) by morning or even fall
the bed entirely. Club motto: "Move over, you big lummox!"
f) The "Early Breakfast" Club
Cats belonging to this club love to walk into their human's bedroom
early hour, say, 1 a.m. They then awaken the human (see WAKING THEM
MORNINGS) insisting on being fed. These cats believe that their humans
be trained to be awake during prime play time. Be aware, however,
humans are stubborn and may instead lock cats out of the bedroom,
them or do other anti-social things instead of feeding them. Club
"Life begins after midnight."
g) The "Door Into Summer" Club
This Club mainly performs its activities during the cold months or
is raining. After a human obeys the master's command to open a door
blast of cold air fills the room or rain splashes the cat, the cat
his/her nose and walks away. The ritual continues at each door in
(sometimes including closets) until the human either kicks the cat
door, or decides to ignore the cat altogether. In the first case,
must bounce up to the window and squawk to be let in while looking
pathetic as possible. In the second, the cat must attempt to make
want to let him/her out. See HAMPERING for suggestions. Club motto:
because it's nasty out front doesn't mean it is at the back."
h) The Heat-Seeking Missile Club
These cats believe in keeping warm at all costs. The best method is
right up against the heating vent. Make sure all the warm air is absorbed
into your fur. Careful grooming will be necessary to prevent a bad
problem. When the heat is not running, more creative solutions must
found. Caving into the cat bed, human bed, or any afghan or blanket
available is good. It's best if the blanket was already mounded up,
the cat is completely invisible underneath. As a last resort, curl
up on a
lap or with another cat. Club motto: "It's cold out there!"
i) The "Fraidy Cat" Club
To this club belong the cats of nervous and/or neurotic disposition.
strange object or human is to be treated as a mortal danger until
absolutely certain it isn't dangerous. They even have to keep an eye
humans they know, just in case. These cats know all of the good hiding
spots in the house/apartment, including the ones that humans swear
could fit into, and are generally of little use to anybody except
when it is
check-up time at the vet's and it is important to be invisible. Club
"Yeek! What's THAT?"
14. BAD WEATHER
Bad weather, in the form of rain, snow, and/or excessive
cold or heat, is
always the fault of the humans. If the weather is inclement when the
opens the door to let you out, back away hastily and try another door.
also the "Door into Summer" Club. Be sure to stare accusingly
at the human
during this session. If all doors have the same bad weather and you
to get booted out, hop onto a window sill and gaze mournfully out
domain. Then try again in about half an hour.
15. ON KITTENHOOD
Being a kitten is probably the best time of a cat's
life. As a kitten,
you can do almost anything and get away with it because, as the humans
"Aww, (s)he's so cute!" Practice the "butter won't
melt in my mouth" Look of
Total Innocence now, as it is much more effective than when you are
and "should know better". Even if you are caught in the
act of some mischief,
the Look can considerably reduce the scolding, and if mixed with the
appropriate amount of fake penitence, get you picked up and cuddled.
Be sure to make full use of all your excess energy
by tearing around the
house at full speed, attacking anything that moves, climbing the drapes,
scooting across tables, counters and shelves, taste-testing plants
and generally driving the humans crazy. When exhausted, flop down
comfortable and sleep. After waking up, eat and continue the fun!
quickly learn that night-time is the best time for playing because
things can hide in the shadows.
Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught
if you start early
and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.
Original Author(s) UNKNOWN.